| I am stupid |
[Feb. 22nd, 2007|03:25 pm] |
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Why do I still care? Why is it that as everyday passes I get more and more depressed that we are not talking? Why do I care about some one who wants nothing to do with me? He told me friend that he does not hate or dislike me but that he does not want to deal with me. He says I am to dramatic for him!! WHAT???? I have gone out of my way for that boy. I have done things I told myself I would never do!!!! He knows that it is true too!!! Yet he still pushed me a side like I am nothing to him!!!! I would give my life for him. IN many ways I have. I have become someone I am not for him. I have opened my heart like I never have before. Why do I want him back so much???? |
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| He is everywhere |
[Feb. 17th, 2007|04:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Snow patrol | ] |
EVerywhere!!! I cant go anywhere or do anything with out it reminding me of him! I miss my David!!! But why? He called a "Psycho B***H". How can I have any feelings for someone who said that to me? I dont know what wrong with me. I wantto get him out of my head but all I do is cry. You woudl think that after a week of no talking things would get easier, but they dont. I cant watch movies, cant go hiking, cant go to the park, or wal-mart, or downt-town. NO WHERE! everything reminds me of him. I want him back. I want to be able to call him in the middle of the night when I am scared or sad or something and have him tell me it wil be ok. I want to be able to go out to eat again and be out for hours! Even though he was just my friend I have never missed anyone so much. It is like he completes me!! Yey now we dont talk. How can someone just give up on everything like that? How can he just walk away fro mwhat we had. Our friendship was unique, nobody had what we had. And he jut left. how can he not care? How come I care too much? Will it ever get easier? will it ever go back to normal? I just want answers, I just want to know what wil lhappen. I want to know if can stop crying now. If I can go on with my life!!! WHY???? I hate crying, I hate not knowing, I hate caring so much. I want my monkey back!! |
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| yeah life sucks |
[Jan. 21st, 2007|07:34 pm] |
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I think that is all I have to say!!! Life sucks. All I do is cry, all I do is worry. I guess I will never change!!!!! I want to but I dont!!!! AHH!! |
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| slipping away! |
[Jan. 8th, 2007|06:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | living room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | WII game | ] |
THe one thing I thought would make my life better might actually be happening and I HATE IT!! I thought that maybe if me and David starting spending less time togethe it would make my life easier, however in the last four days I have talked to him less then I ever have and last night we kind of got in a fight. THen today at work it seemed ok but when I went to leave he just said bye, then was like oh yeah and gave me a hug. It was like I made him!! Then apparently he has been talking to this guy and I am assuming that is why he has been ignoring me. I dont know what to do! I cant lose him, I have lost all of my other best friends!!! But I am so tired of competing with drugs and boys. sometimes I feel that he only talks to me when no boys are talking to him or after he got his drugs!! is that what best friends are suppose to do? I know we dont have to talk everyday but talking to him and seeing him just makes my day soo much better. Even though we dont work i nthe same department just knowing he is at work makes it go by so much better! seeing his goofy makes me laugh. ERRR!!!! He gives me the best and the worst at the same time. Yet when I try to talk to him about my feelings he tells me I have emotional problems, which I know I do, and that I dont need to worry about him because he is not going anywhere, and sometimes he just needs to do something different and talk to someone different. He always does come back, but I still get scared. so many people have left me and not came back!!! I love my David yet at the same time he makes me cry!!!! AHHH!!! I cant lose him now! |
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| New Years |
[Jan. 7th, 2007|05:56 pm] |
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New Years is the start of so many things!!!! I have three major resolutions this year!! One is to save money! I am tired of not having any money!!! I am going to spend less on things I DONT NEED! Also the whole diet thing!!! It will work this time! I must, my best friend is getting married this October and I am one of her Bridesmaids and I need to look good for her!!!! And my biggest one is......... Distance, I have decided to give distnace between meand David, I only get hurt when it comes to him!!! I put too much of my heart into him and I cant anymore!!! I am tired of crying, tired of caring. This year has to be better for me!! 2006 was a bad year!!!! I need something good! |
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| life stinks |
[Dec. 31st, 2006|11:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
My sister got me a journal for Christmas, so everyday I have been writing in there. it seems so mush personal. Then I got to thinking No one read this anyway. I dont have a computer at home so the only time I am able to update this iswhen I am at my moms and I have extra time. Extra time does not come easliy anymore. Now that I am done with school for the semester I am working a lmost ten hours more at work. Which is good becasue I need the money, however work is really starting to get to me.
I mean my gosh, I left to help a friend because he got in an accident and the whole time I wasgone the other person was all "she is not going to come back." BUT I DID!! and I apologized for being gone for two hours, he said it was ok, butthe next day I found out he went around telling everyone I left for two hours and I did nothing!!!! So people keep coming up to me asking me why I just ditched him. I DIDNT! I told him I would be back and that is was an emergency. Well I then found out that other people were going behind my back saying "Of course they dont say anything to Lacy. if it was you or me we would have been fired. Lacy gets away with everything!" I am just mad right now!!! my best friend was in a car accident and needed my help. I talked to the people so its not like I just got up and left!!! ERRRR, and no I dont get away with everything. I work my butt off at that job, I am not the one that takes my lunch and never comes back. I am the one that stays a little later if they need me!!! I am just so upset right now! Here I go out of my way to help a friend I get crap for it!
Was it even worth it???? I keep going out of my way, doing things I noramlly wouldnt to keep this friend, but would he do it for me? he says he would but I dont know. This whole thing is just driving me crazy! I have done so many things for the first time this year and it is for him!! I always felt that a friendship should be 50/50. why then do i feel I put more into it??? AHH!!! I just dont know, I am tired of being stressed, tired of not knowing. |
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| I am pathetic |
[Dec. 12th, 2006|12:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irritated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tony Hawk video game | ] |
I have to the realization that I am so pathetic!!! And it is all over a boy!! A boy I will never ever, ever, ever, have!! WHY???? I cant help it, I want to spend every waking minute with him!!! When he goes out and I am not there I freak out and think he does not want to be my friend anymore!!! I am a selfish and jealous person when it comes to him!! I just need to get a life. GEt a life outside of this boy!!!!! But how? How can I make myself feel ok when he hangs out with other people? Anytime he goes anywhere I want it to be me he invites, me he wants to be around and me he tells everything too.
I just feel we do what he wants. I will do just about anything to spend time with him, yet when I invite him somewhere, he comes up with reasons why he cant!!!! I dont know maybe its all in my head. Maybe I am just making a too big of deal out of this!!! I just wish I knew what to do, knew how to make my life easier, knew how to control my feelings and emotions when it comes to him!! AHHH I just dont know what to do anymore!! |
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| Dont know what to do |
[Dec. 6th, 2006|11:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | christmas songs | ] |
Ok........
David wants us to get a place together, but I really do not know how that will go. I have had such bad experiences with other roommates. He means too much to me to take a chance of it ending. The palce he lives at now he says he needs to get out. He cant stand living with his step father anymore. Gosh I dont know. I am scared, he has such a bad temper, and he gets jealous easily, as do I. Yet we both know we are echothers best friend. He does a lot of things I dont do, liek drink. I have never had any alcohol ever before and thats like all he drinks. I have never ever kissed any one, and well lets say he has had his share of partners. I trust him with everything I have. WE get along sooooo great, we can tell eachother just about everything, yet we can fight too. I want to get out of his house but is moving in with him the right thing? Do I want to do it to kind of keep an eye on him? or do I really think it is a good idea? I need help!!!! |
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| life second time around |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|01:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | christmas songs | ] |
No matter how often I tell myself I will do better in writing in here it never happens. Things just never seem to get easier. When I think theyare something always happens, but I guess that is what happens while growing up. First there is school. I have been taking four classes, I stopped going to my math class becasue I was failing it sooo bad. I need to retake it next semester so I just figured I am going to get anF either way, I should just focus on my other classes. My other three classes from what I know are going great. Thursday is my last day of my writing class. So I have to turn in like five papers. That is insane especially since my spanish class had a presentation I had to do and a test I need to study for. I am always busy with school, doing something. I love school dont get me wrong but sometimes there is just too much work.
Af for work. oh my freakin goodness. It is insane. Two people left the cafe so we have new people. My Triston left, he was my buddy. WE were able to laugh about anything and we got along great, so when he diecided to go to a different department I was sad. Yeah he is still at Sams but its not the same, I will only get to see him on break or something, *TEARS*. Matt left too, however I am actually happy he did, he turned out to be someone I do not respect. He is one thing to your face then behind your back he would only say bad things about you. I left high school for a reason you know, I got tired of all the little kid games everyone played. I still get to work with David which is great, however there is this new kid that works with us that has been hanging out with me and david, which usually would not be a problem, however because of him there has been problems between me and David.
A couple weeks ago, David, Ray and I went out to a club. The two of them drank a lot and got drunk, I dont drink so I just really watched them act stupid. Well after the club we just hung out outside, it was freezing and I did not bring a sweater so Ray was holding me, he was putting his arms around me trying to keep me warm, then all of a sudden david got upset and wanted to leave, he then started going off saying how our friendship might be over!!! I had no idea what was going on. He then looked at me straight in the eye and said "one day someone will do to you what y ou did to me and you will understand." I had no idea what I was suppose to understand. He was really upset and wouldnot talk to me, so after an hour or two we finally got to talk it out, he still would not tell me what I did but I learned he was afraid to lose me. He was drunk, and he told me he says a lot of stuff when he is drunk. WE went our seperate ways with everything ok. last week we went out again, it was a friends birthday and we were meeting her there. I love to cuddle, and Gay guys are the best to cuddle with!!! David and Ray are both gay so I was happy. WEll Ray told me he is not allowed to touch me because David told him not to. David said I am his woman. So apparently he got really jealous that me and Ray were cuddling. I was flattered that he gets jealous but at the same time upset, when we hang out with people I get pushed a side a lot because I dotn drink. Why is it ok for him to hug and cuddle other peopel but I cant??? I dont understand. David is my favorite person in the whoel world, I tell him that all the time, and no one can come and take his spot. The fact that I work with both Ray and David now makes it weird, David and Ray are really good friends and have done "things" together, so once again it does not seem fair. I like them both, they are both sweet guys, I just wish David would understand how I feel too.
Life is just so complicated, I have these so strong feelings for David, but I know he is gay, so I try to find that in someone else. So there is Nathan, I truly do like him too, but he does not show interest, I am getting tired of being rejected. I dont know how much of thus I cna take. Many people told me that me and David are going to get married just to get married. At work people call us Husband and Wife. If you have ever seen the show Will and Grace, that is us. I love him to death which makes it hard for me to find a straight guy. I just need to find strength somewhere, but I am scared, straight boys have always hurt me, have always rejected me. Which is why I am attached to David, we cannever go out so I can never really get hurt. Or can I? |
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| something missing |
[Dec. 3rd, 2006|12:03 am] |
It is so strange how true the saying is, you dont know what you have until it is gone. I got to hang out with a dear friemd last night. It made me realize what I was missing. We use to be one. You would not see me without her and vice versa. It is always nice to know there is that someone there. Sadly things have changed. I see her a couple times a week and if I am lucky talk to her three times a week. She has changed so much as have I. Yet I still have this spot in my heart for her. I have learned that no matter how much someone changes their true self will always be the same. I guess I will always have something missing. True and loyal friends are hard to come by.
I have a rare few that I would give my life for. They know who they are. Don't get me wrong, I love so many people and it is because all of you I am where I am, but there are certain people that have such an impact in your life, and those people you want to keep around forever. They are there when you are sad, they are there when you are happy, even when they are having a hard time they are there for you!!
When life changes we have nothing to do then to accept the change and go on with life. I am not a stranger to change. However I am not very good with it. When I am comfortable with someone or something I want it to always stay that way. I am happy, they are happy, lets stay that way. WE do not grow though, we do not learn. These past few months I have learned so much about myself and others that I am starting to look at life so differently. Life will not always be easy, things will happen that we cant explain and worse off dont like but we must deal with it, we must know things happen for a reason.
I am such a thankful person. The things I am most thankful for in my life are those people..... those people who so selflessly put me first. do things because they know its what I like even if they are not to fond of it. Try everything they can to make sure I am happy. I try everything I can to do that in return. However I always feel that hole. Feel something is missing. Until I find what is missing I am going to cherish those people that have come into my life. You guys know who you are, and please know, that no matter what happens, I will truly always love you, Even when I am going through my need to figure thigns out stage and kind of push you away, it is you guys that ALWAYS keep me on track. ALWAYS give me a reason to smile. Crunchy, Munchy and punchy, love you guys to pieces, you make me crazy, make me feel young again!!! Monkey, you are my Angel, I thank God everyday for sending you to me! I feel like I cant express what your friendship means to me!!!! Skye, my pastel pal and lesbian lover, those words say everything, you are my sister and I love you!!! AShley, I could not have been given a better sister, you are sweetest thing in the entire world, I love you so much! |
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| Boy update |
[Oct. 31st, 2006|11:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Keith Urban | ] |
Boys have got to be the hardest thingto understand. I have these feelings for a certain someone, but because I KNOW nothingwill ever happen between I am trying my dang hardest to move on. Ther has been this other boy :):) THere definately seems to be a far better chance of something happening. Just when I start to think I might be interested in him NATHAN comes home. I have written about lovely Nathan before. Years ago that is. He isa boy I went to church with. I saw him and it was an instant attraction on my part. I started doing more church activities and thigns because of him. He changed things in me in a wonderful way. WEll Two years ago he went on his mission to islands just off of South Africa. I have not seen or heard from him in two years, however on Friday....
There was the Halloween dance, I have not been to a dance in forever but my sister wanted me to go. Boy was I so happy to go. I looked up and I see this glow at the door, MY NATHAN WAS HOME!! it is strange how even after two years how that boy makes me feel. I saw him and all of the feelings came back again. It took me an hour to talk to him, but when I finally did we danced :) it was wonderful, we talked about his mission, how things changed since he has been back. He gave me his email becasue he lives about two hours away and will be moving into town with in the next month. I was so happy to see him, on sunday I finally emailed him. Now I sit and wait he promised he would email me back. Am I just being paranoid? didhe lie to me, or hjas he not had time to get back to me???
Then of course, this new boy :):) he has started showing some interest. I dont know what to do!!!!!!! There is Nathan who just by seeing him and hearing his name makes me so happy, he makes me giggle. Yet we dont talk orsee eachother because he is in another city, then there is we'll call "goofy". He is here and see him like twice a week, he is someone I can see myself dating and he makes me life. What to do!!!! |
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| things change |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|07:39 pm] |
it is so weird to me how when you finally decided to back off and give them some room they come after you. So this wonderful boy that I just cant get enough of has been putting me through hell. I decided to not call him, to wait for him to come to me if he wanted to. I swear it lasted a day. Tuesday he calls me and said he missed me because he has not seen me in awhile. So that night i go with him to the laundry matt to spend some time with him because it was about a week since I really saw him. It was great, we talked about our weekend, I told him about how I was getting really sick. For about three hours we just sat around and talked. That is what I love about him we can tal kabout anything. THe next day I met up with him right before work. Just to see what was up. WE just sat on the couch talking about random things. Gosh, things like that make it so hard for me not to love him. I swear its like he knows when I am trying to back off, he starts to pull me in again. It is like I am backat phase one :(
THings between me and David were weird for a bit. He yelled at me on work on Monday and it really hurt. I have learned that when he gets in his moods to back off and he will come to you. So I did that. It is weird with him, he will tell me just about everything, unless it comes to boys. Why i do not know. Especially boys at work, he gets all closed up and never lets me in. Well randomly he told me about this thing he has with this guy last night. He even called me right after he left his house. It was so funny, he wanted to show me pictures of him and tell me everything about it. Everything just seems to be getting back to normal. It is so strange to me how everyone has thier bad days at the same time. I am releavedeveryone is now back to normal :):) |
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| Horribleness |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|06:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
So today sucked!!!!! I am not exagerating either. On Saturday a friend of mine drove into town. I was way excited because I have missed her. She was going to cut my hair again and I couldnt wait. Well she did cut my hair but cut off WAYYY to much. Now I think I look like a boy. A lot of people said it is cute but I still cant help but feel it is all out of politness. Well I go to work todya and I really did not want to show my hair to some of the people in the cafe because they always talk about you behind your back. So yeah Already feeling bad as I go into work. Also ever since Friday I have had this bad pain in my stomach. It wont go away. Now it is in my back and my hip. I do not know whats wrong with me. It is even making me nauseated. So having to put a lot of stuff away today did not make me feel very good. So to go on, I was talking to this guy Matt. WE have talked a lot lately, so it has been cool. Well he tells me "I have a nick name for you but you wont like it... T...U...B...B...Y." WHAT??? Why in the freakin world would he say that too me. Tubby. I know how he thinks of fat people so it really hurt me, I just had to walk away. I decided to go out in the dining area and clean. I just did not want to be around him. Well I saw David waiting in line at the CAfe. I go up and kiss his shoulder and ask how he was doing. He was kind of crying and said I hate work. Of course I understand that. Then he looks at me and says "You wont fucking leave me alone!" WHAT?? AS if today was not bad enough now I am bugging my best friend, not jsut bugging him but got him to the point where he yelled at me. I just could not stop crying. I dont know what happened. I just had to leave. I left work a little early because I could not be there anymore. I went home and cried myself to sleep. I still cant stop crying. My weight is something I am so slef concious about. I have been working my butt off to look better in everyone elses eyes, and I am called Tubby. Then my friends, especially DAvid. I hold him so close to me and he blows up in my face. I just dont know what to do. I am scared things wont be the same anymore :( |
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| My self |
[Oct. 6th, 2006|10:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tim McGraw | ] |
I have noticed that no one ever reads this thing, and honestly I feel better about that. It makes it easier for me to write how I am feeling and express what is going on without having the fear of the wrong person finding out. I dont remember if it was my last entree or the one before that, that talked about me aching. It is kind of ironic because These past two weeks I have been working my butt off. No more soda, no sweets, just about nothing. I live off of water and salads now basically. Even though I have only lost four pounds in about two weeks my body feels better. I go to the gym everyday and run, I also go on the little ski machine and the stair stepper. I dont know why but I have become more determined than ever to lose weight, My best friend has been going too and she is motivation. I am going to do it. I am going to go down to my ideal weight very soon. I have to do it for myself, for my health. I have found it to be extremely fun and I love going now! YAY!! |
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| Day 3 |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|10:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
So it is my third day in a row writing in this thing. I think I am doing this again becasue I feel like I need to talk, yet no one will understand. EVeryone tells me I am being way to hard on myself. How can I not be when I have these feelings I can not control and they are just making me misrable. Everyday it seems to be getting worse. The jealous monster comes out more and more everyday. The more he talks about this other person in his life the more it hurts me. To me I feel like we are talking less and it is killing me. I need him. I need him to make me feel better, he makes me feel special. EVerything reminds me of him. Even if I tried to not think about him and not to let it get to me I get worse. I absolutely know nothing will ever happen between us and that is what kills me. Why do I hold onto something that I know will not work out. Why is it so hard for me to walk away, even though I get hurt more and more. I do anything to be with him. I go to places I dont even like because he does. Yet when I ask him to come wtih me he doesnt want to. He told me that when he finds someone he might be interested in he gives his friends less time. How can he just push me away like that? Does he not know I would hold onto him forever???? Does my friendship mean nothing to him? It would be so easy for me to walk away if he was like that all the time but he is also the sweetest thing ever!!!! I just need to know what to do. I really think I need to let him go, yet I am afraid I will be so devastated that I will become overly depressed again. This seems to be a no win situtaion. I just want to be happy. I want to be with the one person I love more than anything. I want him to love me too. Is that really that bad? Is it bad to want to feel like the most important person in a persons life. Especially if I feel they are the most importnat person in mine? I just know things are changing. I dont want them too. I want to be his favorite person, the person he goes to for everything!! Is that so wrong? |
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| Aching |
[Oct. 3rd, 2006|09:42 pm] |
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I am aching in more ways than one. I have been going to the gym everyday lately. It finally feels good to be going all the time again. Me and my best friend are determined to lose weight before she gets married. It is just ironic to me. I have never been so depressed about my size before, yet I have lost weight in these past few months. Every day I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I dont know what it was that has got me feeling this way. I have started comparing myself to everyone else and it has really brought my self-esteem down. THe big reason why I have begun feeling like this is the stupid guy!!! Every day I try everything to get him to talk to me like he does other people but it never works. "Sorry I was talking to this friend and they distract me." Why cant I be his distraction? Why cant I be the one he igonres other people for? I am just in pain. Everywhere, physically, emotionally, mentally. I think I go to the gym to work off all of my emotions. All of my confusions. All of my hatred. I hate feeling like this. I hate it more than anyone can even know!!!! |
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| My life in a nutshell |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|10:18 pm] |
I have become so bad about writing in thus thing. I have a myspace now and it seems that, that thing hasd taken over my life. Which is kind of crazy. THis thing is the only real place I can go to, to express my feelings. No matter who I go to about my problems lately they make me feel stupid. If I post a blog on myspace I get the opposite reaction than what I expected. So lately I have been trying to figure things out by myself, and becasue I am I guess a stubborn person I make things so difficult. I go with what I want and not what will be best for me.
There is this person that I always go to when I have problems. What happens when that person is the one giving you problems? I feel like he is hiding things from me. Everytime I ask him if he is hiding something he tells me "Everyone has a secret life." I don't though. I am the kind of person that doesnt hide anything from the people I really care about. So when he tells me he has secrets he doesnt want to tell me I feel hurt. Why is it that someone can claim I am really important to them and that theytell me everything, yet keep things from me. I guess I am making a big deal about it, but it deals with some of his "Friends". He always tells me I hope my "friend" is working today. This "Friend" makes me feel so good. AHHHHHH!!! If you are not going to tell me who they are dont freakin mention them.
I wish I can just scream out loud how I really feel. I want to be able to hold you and let you know how you make me feel. But I cant. I cant even let you know the slightest of how I feel. Our friendship will be ruined, our trust will no longer be there. You tell me about these people you like and how you wish you can spend more time with them. I try to cheer you up, yet the whole timeI am aching inside wishing I was the one person you wanted. When you broke up with your significant other I was there to cheer you up and give a shoulder for you to cry on. While I was giving you my shoulders I was hoping you would take that and everything else I was willing to give you. I have opened up everything to you. Yet the one thingI want you to have you dont want it. There is no worse feeling in the world than rejection. I could not live with rejection so in the meantime I am willing to drive myself crazy beingaround you, comforting you and making you laugh without being yours. |
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| I GIVE UP! |
[Aug. 20th, 2006|07:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
I am so tired of trying. ITs like no matter what I do to try to make things better it never works. He pulls all the noneya cards and dont worry about it, and its not your business, well you know what I DONT CARE ANYMORE!!! I am tired of always being the one putting forward everything, tired of being the one to seem like they care about our friendship!!! ERRRR!!! I HATE HIM! |
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| Stress |
[Aug. 20th, 2006|07:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
I just hate it, and it seems to follow me :( I have come realize that it will be everywhere I go. I jsut need to get use to it. Because I now only have one job the stress is not so bad but my gosh leave me alone!!!!
I just found out that Daniel is engaged!! WHAT!!! he has been dating this girl for like three months. I guess when you know then you really do. That is what everyone tells me. Gosh it sucks though. I miss him in a way. He was the person I told everything too. I cant see myself marrying him anymore but when will it be my turn? I want to find someone I know I will spend the rest of my life with. Wouldnt it be great to know that there will always be that one person you can go to, that one person who can comfort you when nobody else can. Just to be there with them would be the greatest feeling in the world. I want that, maybe I am just a romantic but I truly feel that that is how it will be. No matter where you guys are or what you do as long as you are together thats all that matters. |
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| MY life as of now |
[Aug. 5th, 2006|10:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Bedroom | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Clay Walker | ] |
Doesnt it seem that I only write something when something actually happens. Well I have been so caught up in the whole MySpace thing that I have neglected this all together. I really think that is why I was having a hard time for awhile.
I will start with work... I only have one job now!!!! I quit KFC! OKI didnt exactly jsut quit, I yelled at my Asst. manager, told him I hated him, that he was a sexest pig and that I was leaving because of him. That is honestly how I felt so I dont feel bad for saying it. KFC was not worth the drive. I was getting paid crap to put up with even more CRAP! I use to really like the people that worked there but I soon realized that 90% of them are kids and only care about themselves. I started fighting with all my friends because I had to defend my feelings!! WHY??!! THey are my feelings and as my friends they should of respected them. THe biggest Change was in Heather. She was my best friend for such a long time, then this new girl Alex comes along and I get pushed aside, all of a sudden Heather is Bi, and only feels comfortable talking to Alex!! What was I there for??? If she didnt feel comfortable around me then I guess our friendship was a waste. No matter how much I tried to work things out it always got worse. I always ended up crying and wlays ended up finding out I am not what theywant anymore. In the long run I realized it was for the best. I am not one to change who I am to please people. If they want to be my friend then they have tobe themselves, I am tired of playing little kid games. Heather told me she missed they way things were with us, she liked the way she felt going to church and spendig time with me and my family, if thats the case then why does she not do try to get things back the way they use to be? I told her I am here, all she had to do was come find me, however it is yet to happen.
Since I quit KFC I am now broke!!! I really mean broke. I have no money. My brother got a new job and was suppose to come live with me but my dad at the last minute said NO!! AHH!! Does he not know that by my brother moving in it will help me SOOO MUCH!! Gosh I hate growing up!
So now to whats good. I have the perfect best friends. Right now I have DAvid and Brionna, no matter what those two have always been there, When ever I have been having problems without hesitation they have been there. But this also makes me sad. Davids Boyfriend is coming back to town :( Yeah I am happy because David will now be Happy. Thats all I want from him, but I am being selfish. With his boyfriend coming back it gives less time for me and David :( He has been with me everyday for last three months! Hehas become my life. I want him to be happy And David seems to be good for him, so why am I so sad>?? Everything is perfent right now and it is about to change. I have always hated change!!! |
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